How to Express Your Needs Without Starting a Fight with Your Partner (2023)

How to Express Your Needs Without Starting a Fight with Your Partner (1)

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Imagine if you knew how to communicate your needs in a relationship and instead of starting a fight, your partner and you become even closer. Well, that’s what good communication is supposed to be about. When you communicate your needs, your partner gets to know you, and feels a connection with you because you trust him. When men get to make you happy, they feel fantastic about themselves.

But, for this kind of connection, you need effective communication, and this is exactly what I teach my clients using my Love Building Communication Guide, which is the fifth step of my Secure Love Creator program. Women who implement these strategies report so much happiness because they can communicate with their partners without frustration. Their partners are shocked by how good communicators their girlfriends are. And my clients experience so much healing when they realize that they can express their needs and that their partners care.

If you want a healthy relationship, You don't need to worry about not being on the same page. Every disagreement can be used to get to know each other better and improve the ways to communicate, but you need to take an active role in figuring out how to communicate your needs in a relationship.

Do you express your needs in relationships?

How to Express Your Needs Without Starting a Fight with Your Partner (2)

Unfortunately, anxious love seekers don’t experience this kind of fulfilling relationship because they hide their needs. They often feel ashamed that they have these needs or they feel unworthy of their needs being met. Then they hope that their partner will just naturally guess what their needs are and thus prove those trauma beliefs about self wrong. Many say statements like, “If I need to tell you, I don’t need you to do it.” This is not gonna work. Men are not your mom and you are not a newborn who can’t express herself. Moreover, men are raised to express themselves assertively, so they expect you would do the same. Open communication in a relationship is essential if you want to stay together with your partner and if you want to meet those needs.

When you continue a relationship like this, you may become bitter and never allow your partner to get to know you better. It just makes sense that you become angry and stressed when you feel this disconnection with your partner. You never realize if you are important to your partner because he simply gives up on trying to make you happy. That's what happens when people feel incompetent. They give up. So, your partner's need may be to feel that his efforts matter and that he understands you. For this, you need to learn how to communicate your needs in a relationship.

What happens when you have unmet needs in your relationship?

When their needs are not being met, anxious love seekers become angry. That’s usually when they start communicating to their partners. This kind of communication in your relationship comes with extra spice that may not be digestible to some people. This usually repels people because they sense that there is something unhealed deep down. This kind of communication is often completely shocking to your new partner or exhausting or burdensome to your longer term partner. Learning how to communicate your needs in a relationship is essential if you want to create a secure relationship.

Don't get me wrong, anger is not what causes problems. It's unprocessed anger. It's the kind of anger that comes from an unconscious, unaware mind. Many anxious love seekers don't understand their needs, and they also don't understand how their verbal and non-verbal communication affects their partners

(Video) How to Express Your Needs Without Starting a Fight with Your Partner

How to Express Your Needs Without Starting a Fight with Your Partner (3)

Moreover, anxious love seekers tend to give up their personal power and accept the role of a victim, while demonizing their partners. If you are one of those anxious love seekers, you probably don't communicate effectively. Instead of assertively expressing your needs, you may use generalizations such as:

  • You always do... such and such...
  • You never… fill in the blank...

"Such and such" and "fill in the blank" are the statements that come from your deep rooted trauma beliefs about yourself, men, relationships, and the world. These beliefs cause you to self-sabotage your relationships.

Naturally, your partner becomes defensive because he feels attacked by you. So the cycle continues. You carry your old completely reasonable anger and transfer it onto your partner who is clueless about your feelings, needs, and boundaries.

But, fear not. I will explain how you can change all this and improve communication in relationships so you can meet your relationship needs of becoming closer to your partner.

How to effectively communicate your needs to your partner?

How to Express Your Needs Without Starting a Fight with Your Partner (4)

If you want to have your needs met, you may want to improve communication with your partner. There are three principles to remember that will help you talk with your partner in the ways that help you improve your relationship.
Let’s take an example that we can use to illustrate healthy communication of your needs. Perhaps we can talk about your desire for him to arrange dates with your more regularly. Similarly, in a long term relationship, you may want your partner to spend more time with you.

Instead of teaching your different communication style, I will give you three principles that will guide you.
So here are the principles you need to follow to avoid fights with your partner.

Firstly, realize that you have to communicate your needs to build a happy relationship

Your partner isn’t psychic. If you are like anxious love seekers, you will be prone to expecting your partner to be attuned to your needs. Remember, we women are raised more like this. We are not supposed to express our needs openly, but then we are attuned to other people more. You can expect this kind of exchange with your friend.

Men, on the other hand, are raised to express themselves assertively, so they expect you to do so too without making them feel guilty that they didn’t get you right away. When they meet someone who is a good communicator, they often say things like:

  • I like how confident she is and she knows what she wants
  • I want to make her happy
  • She makes me want to be a better man

So let’s use our example. You wish he would ask you out more often. The benefit of communicating this with your partner or a date is that he will realize that you are into him, but that he also needs to meet your criteria. You are saying that you expect your partner to be more enthusiastic if he wants you to keep investing your emotions.
So, have I convinced you that you should try to learn how to communicate your needs in a relationship with your partner? I hope so, because we will talk about the second important principle.

(Video) How Not to Be Defensive in Relationships

Secondly, know and accept your relationship needs

We identified that you want him to arrange more regular dates. There is nothing wrong with what you want in life even if you are more “demanding” than other women. Embrace it! Don’t be ashamed. Also, don’t shame your partner for not just magically being on the same page with you.
If you own it and express that you understand that you may have higher standards than other women, your partner will actually be a bit intrigued by this. He will feel honored that you are so confident, have high standards and you chose him. Remember the statement, “She makes me want to be a better man.” Of course, this is if he is your man and if he is into the same lifestyle as you are. It’s not gonna work if your partner wants to herd sheep in Sicily and you want to have an enormous house in Beverly Hills. This is not a good match and confident men will not abandon themselves. And, you wouldn’t be into him if he did that.

Thirdly, communication in a relationship needs to happen from the premise that your partner is not your enemy

This guide will help you dramatically because a lot of miscommunication happens due to unconscious beliefs. Your body language with negative premises will change and cause your partner's automatic fight or flight responses.

Instead of putting him down because you have unmet needs, you can position yourself as a proverbial beggar. No, you don’t give your power away like this. You instead empower him. Only empowered people empower others.

Think about it as asking for a favor from someone who doesn’t owe you anything. Ultimately, nobody does. Once you embrace this notion, your exchange becomes much easier. Most partners are thrilled to meet your needs when you implement this strategy. And, you really don’t want someone to do things for you out of guilt. You deserve better.

Let me illustrate this with a cute story from my childhood. When my younger brother and I get chocolate or something, I would finish mine very quickly and he would eat his slowly. So, I would play the role of a beggar and address him as a king and beg for some chocolate. That worked well for me.

So you don’t need to manipulate your partner the way I did my little brother. You can just simply ask for what you need. And, you can do that when you know how to communicate your needs in a relationship.

Let's go back to our example.

Communication strategies for expressing needs and desires

There are various ways in which you can express your need for him to arrange more regular dates. Here are just some:

  • Showing curiosity and asking questions is a great way to avoid fights. You can say something like, “I’m used to men being more consistent when they are interested in me. It makes me think that you are not into me. Am I right?" This will show him that you have higher standards and that he needs to step it up if he wants to continue with you.
  • If you feel a little closer to him and you’ve been seeing each other longer, you can simply ask, “Do you think we can see each other more often? That will tell me that I can feel more secure to keep investing my feelings and time.” By saying this, you will show him that you like him, but that you also care about your heart. And, he needs to step it up.
  • One more way to do this is the most delicious. It is a good old prize. It works on dogs, cats, boyfriends, and everyone in this world. You can start by saying something like, “I love our times together. You always make it so fun. I would like to see each other more often. Do you think it’s possible?”

What can I do when my needs are still not being met?

There you have just a little part of my Love Building Communication tips. I have so much more to give you, but I need to keep these articles somewhat short.

This was just one of the examples and you can apply these principles at any stage of your relationship. Hope you try it and watch your partner show you affection like you’ve never seen before.

How to Express Your Needs Without Starting a Fight with Your Partner (5)

On the other hand, even the best communication may not reach your partner. Then you may have to decide if your needs are important and can you love your partner the way he is, not able to meet your emotional needs. Setting boundaries may be necessary to maintain your sanity. These are tough decisions, and they need to be made carefully. Ultimately, the most important thing is that you find a way to feel secure and confident about who you are and what you have to offer in this or any other relationship.

If you want to build powerful attraction with quality men or improve the relationship with your partner, join my Secure Love Creator Club.

Also, let me know. Why do you think we have a hard time expressing our needs? Would you like to learn how to communicate your needs in a relationship?

Is relationship coaching right for you?

I offer online relationship coaching for high achieving women interested in sincere high quality men, men ready to give you their heart.

Check it out now

(Video) What The Dismissive Avoidant Needs After An Argument | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

Get exclusive access to my best tips about love, dating, and relationships in the free Academy Resource Hub and downloadThe Accidental Singledom Checklist: Are You Standing in Your Own Way?

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How do I express my needs to my partner? ›

How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Needs
  1. Pick an appropriate TIME. ...
  2. Find something to PRAISE. ...
  3. Focus on HOW YOU FEEL first. ...
  4. Then state WHY. ...
  5. Clarify your NEED. ...
  6. Make a REQUEST or INVITE them to solve the problem with you. ...
  7. THANK them for listening. ...
  8. ASK them if there is anything more they'd like to talk about with you.
11 May 2021

How do you tell your partner you need more help? ›

How to Ask Your Spouse for Support—Without Sounding Like a Nag or Critic
  1. Figure out your needs in the first place—and spell them out. ...
  2. Focus on the message. ...
  3. Use a soft start-up. ...
  4. Pay attention to your non-verbal cues. ...
  5. Set clear boundaries with consequences. ...
  6. Have a regular check-in. ...
  7. Recognize what is helpful.
4 Jan 2019

How do I disagree with my partner without fighting? ›

Avoid telling your partner that they are wrong for their feelings, and actively listen instead. Active listening is crucial in stopping a disagreement from becoming a fight. Actively listen to your partner by focusing on them when they speak, understanding the message behind their words, and thoughtfully responding.

How do you fix a relationship when all you do is fight? ›

How to Stop Fighting in A Relationship
  1. Dodge the Defensive. ...
  2. Step Away From the Situation to Cool Down. ...
  3. Always Fight or Argue Face to Face. ...
  4. Create Boundaries for A Fight. ...
  5. Remember Why You're in The Relationship. ...
  6. Take Care of The Conflict as Soon as Possible. ...
  7. Consider Therapy. ...
  8. Take Some Time Apart.
4 Feb 2019

How do I talk about relationship problems without fighting? ›

Five proven steps to communicate without fighting
  1. #1: Learn what your needs are first. First, make sure you fully understand what you're needing to get out of your argument. ...
  2. #2: Let the storm pass. ...
  3. #3: Be specific about what you need. ...
  4. #4: Agree on a plan. ...
  5. #5: Recognize your partner's efforts.

How do you explain needs in a relationship? ›

To start identifying your emotional needs, try writing a list under each of these areas. For example, ask yourself, “what would make me feel safe and secure in life?”, “what would bring me a sense of purpose, autonomy and identity?”, “how much play do I have in my life currently?”

What do you do when your partner doesn't meet your needs? ›

How to move forward if your partner isn't meeting your needs.
  1. Step 1: Identify your needs. ...
  2. Step 2: Communicate those needs clearly. ...
  3. Step 3: Provide a solution. ...
  4. Step 4: Designate a time to check in. ...
  5. Step 5: Remember you may need to look outside your relationship.

How do you communicate your needs without being needy? ›

To avoid getting stuck in this neediness, practice being calm and clear. Look beyond the anger and defensiveness. Approach your partner from deeper emotions and try writing down what you really need. If you're hurt because you're lonely, then tell your partner directly that you need some time together.

When your needs are not met in a relationship? ›

A tell-tale sign of your needs not being met is the feeling of neglect. In a relationship, you commit to each other and that means creating a healthy and wholesome space between you two. Feeling neglected can point to some unprocessed traumas or emotions from your side as well.

How do you express your needs without being needy? ›

To avoid getting stuck in this neediness, practice being calm and clear. Look beyond the anger and defensiveness. Approach your partner from deeper emotions and try writing down what you really need. If you're hurt because you're lonely, then tell your partner directly that you need some time together.

What is stonewalling in a relationship? ›

Stonewalling is, well, what it sounds like. In a discussion or argument, the listener withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and closing themselves off from the speaker because they are feeling overwhelmed or physiologically flooded. Metaphorically speaking, they build a wall between them and their partner.

How do you express a need? ›

How to start the conversation
  1. Describe your observations. Explain what the situation looks like from your point of view. ...
  2. Name how the situation makes you feel. Let the other person know how their actions make you feel. ...
  3. State what you need. ...
  4. Make a specific request.
21 Nov 2019


1. What the Anxious Attachment Needs From A Partner After an Argument
(Personal Development School)
2. Dating: Setting the Pace Without Scaring Someone Away - Esther Perel & Dr. Alexandra Solomon
(Esther Perel)
3. 3 Ways to Express Your Thoughts So That Everyone Will Understand You | Alan Alda | Big Think
(Big Think)
4. Stop Bickering. It's Killing Your Relationship - Esther Perel
(Esther Perel)
5. How to Cope With an Avoidant Partner
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6. How to Talk to a Partner so They Will Listen
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